Is Santa a Keeper?

While digging around on my hard drive for a missing story, I chanced upon this post, written for a site several years ago that never got posted. I thought you might enjoy a diehard single gal's take on Santa Claus.

 Is Santa a Keeper?

Now here's a question for you: is Santa a keeper? As a single woman of undisclosed years, what I want in a man today isn't what I wanted at twenty. Here's how I see it:

Say that the hottie you have your eye on comes home with you and decides to stay. What then? Sure he's nice to look at, but a practical woman looks at the big picture. While a jolly old elf may not be hot, buff or a gorgeous hunk, he has a lot going for him. Let's weigh the pros and cons, shall we?

Here's what Santa has to offer:

1)            He gives gifts. Gifts are nice. I like gifts. A lot.

2)      He's warm. Even here in the south where we perpetuate the myth of mild winters, it's cold. And the heater is on the fritz - again. Hmmm... in walks a man with some meat on his bones, wearing a plush red suit. That extra weight translates into warmth. I hope he's a cuddler, 'cause he's about to have no choice in the matter.

3)      That 'making a list thing.' I don't know about you, but I'm tired of men who are all talk and never get anything done. Santa makes lists. And he checks them twice. This sounds like the kind of guy you could trust to pay the power bill on time. And he's gonna find out who's naughty or nice! Boy, would I love to have some dirt on my co-workers! Muwhaahaahahaha.

4)      There's a good possibility that he's not a hunter. Though Santa has a few reindeer hanging around, it's a big plus that none are dead, tied to the hood of his sled, which puts him head and shoulders over a few previous relationships. If I hear, "Baby, come see what I killed!" one more time… All that red hanging in the closet is also a lot more cheery than camo.

5)      His entourage. Those elves might come in handy. Can they cook? Clean? Detail the car?

6)      He's jolly. After my last guy, Mr. How-many-moods-can-I-have-in-five-minutes, I can handle "jolly."

7)      Unlimited access to cookies. Hey, waking up to a tray of vegan cookies would be a good thing.

8)      He'll only go out without me once per year. Beats leaving me alone every Saturday so he can go hang with his buds. Who knows? If I ask nicely he may even take me with him.

9)      Travels to exotic locales if you can talk him into taking you along. Given that jolly thing, and the fact that the kids of the world already have him trained to fork over whatever they ask for, I'd say it's a given.

10)    He has a steady job. And a car. Sort of.

11)    Standing next to him makes me look slim. Big plus.

12)    He reads. Even if it is just letters.

13)    He makes toys, which means he's good with his hands. 'Nuff said.

Now for the cons:

1)      He's a bit out of shape. That belly that shakes like a bowlful of jelly? I got a treadmill in the back bedroom. We'll take care of that. Besides, his belly can't be any bigger than that of my last few dates.

2)      A sleigh parked out front for most of the year? Heck, my neighbors have Chevy's on cement blocks, so we'll fit right in.

3)      It might get crowded with all those elves around. I can fix that. I'll haul them all to my family reunion. The next time me and old Santy need alone time I'll just tell them Great Aunt Maude is coming to visit. They'll clear out.

4)      Hoochies trying to be cute will climb into his lap, asking for "favors" for Christmas, or wanting to know if he wears anything under his costume. Hmmm… I'd like to know that myself.

5)      He isn't classically handsome. Let's face it girls, we may love looking at Jaguars, and may even picture ourselves driving one before doing the math and finding something more suitable. Who needs high maintenance, gasp-worthy insurance rates, and depreciation? Chances are, if you're looking at Santa, that's as bad as it's ever going to get. Gorgeous hunk? Sorry y'all, it's all downhill from there.

6)      Women will eye-ball your man in public. Don’t worry, it's probably the red suit, not him, that they're looking at. Only, he knows which ones are naughty. And where they live. Not good. "Oh look, Santa! Cookies!" Problem solved.

Still, weighing in at a baker's dozen pros and only six cons ain't bad. Sold! No need to wrap him, I'll take him home now. The chimney needs cleaning.

Eden Winters